I'm Baaaack

Ruth in pink pajamas

I had dinner last evening with a dear out-of-town friend. He's been following my cancer journey via emails and occasional phone conversations. During our conversation, he asked me what lessons I had learned from having had cancer. A useful question, as it required I stop and reassess what has been happening to me. And I came up with some lessons.
   Then this morning, I read Dylan's blog and was amazed at how profound and interesting it is. He's a marvelous writer, an astute observer, and truly captured the joy and challenge of the game. I felt instantly connected to Dylan. When cancer took over my life, I set aside some things--my blog being one. But I want to reconnect and so I'm back.
   So to get caught up-------My lessons from cancer were several. First, it brought me back again to my love and trust in God. It's so easy (at least for me) to loosen that bond when all is going well. "Look, God, no hands. I can manage life all on my own!" But I can't.
   Another lesson: On the visit with my oncologist after the biopsy and CT scan, he explained that I had an agressive carcinoma. He went through all the possibilities, then cocked his finger, pointed it at me, and said, "It's not your time." Gave me pause as I had been in a neutral position about my life. If it's my time, I thought, so be it. If not, that's okay too. But when the doctor said that, I realized that neutral was not a healthy position and I had to take a stand. I saw that his position was one of defeating cancer and he had aligned a team to do that. I figured I'd better get on board and so joined him and took that stance throughout the treatment.
   More lessons: I was raised to be not only healthy, but also independent. And suddenly I found myself in a position of needing LOTS of help. I was amazed at how quickly people responded. They were wonderful. Reminded me again of a lesson I learned from my darling daughter long ago. Mary was pregnant with Dallas when I visited her in Phoenix. We went to lunch. (I loved being able to take her to lunch.) When the bill arrived, she picked it up. I protested. Then she said, "Mom, let me have the blessing." And so I've again had to learn to set my ego aside and let others have the blessing.
   I also learned how beautiful our bodies are--whatever shape they're in. They are amazingly capable, and I don't know about you, but I had ignored mine for years. After each poisonous infusion, I watched my body struggle and fight to regain balance and health. So I'm better now at assisting rather than sabotaging it.
   I know there are lessons for me now that I'm healing. After the last infusion, when the lab results showed I was cancer free, I realized I had accomplished my goal and was left with "now what?" A downer. It took a while for me to figure out I was suffering from post-partum depression. So I've created some new goals to aspire to. The first is to regain my health. One of the biggest lessons ahead for me is patience. The doctor warned me it would take months, and I'm champing at the bit to be back to normal. It feels like I'm healing too slowly as I putter about and I need to constantly remind myself I'm on my way. Baby steps. One day at a time. And each day is better than the day before.
   The most wonderful lesson of all was to see how precious life is and how privileged I've been to have my family. God has truly blessed me with you all and I am deeply grateful. When my "Grands" (my grandchildren--for you are truly grand. The little ones are the "Greats" for they are that.)  I wrote this poem for them. It was published in The Friend magazine.
          I open my eyes to a new surprise,
          A present just for me.
          It's just my size and sure to fit,
          I'm pleased as I can be!
          What is this gift, so bright and new,
          So special in every way?
          Why don't you know? You get one too--
          A brand new shining day.
Enjoy it!!